Choices and Losses

Unable to deal with loss. Friend and I said goodbye today. He's moving in with his love. As much as I want him to be happy and she makes him so, it's killing me knowing I'll never see him or talk to him again. I don't know how I'm going to live without him in my life. I've been unable to move forward after losing R; how can I open up again when doing so caused me so much pain? How do I sift through the thoughts and feelings and find the ones that will comfort me when I'm grieving, keep me sane when I feel as though I'll go mad with loss, and feel loved when I'm alone? If I knew why, maybe it would help.

Sunday Musing

Exhausted. Oldest brother and closest relative (good friend) had a heart attack two weeks ago today, and it went downhill from there. Fortunately, he's v v strong and strong willed and he is stable and may live for ... (who knows?). Sadly, he said he doesn't want to. When I asked then why the hell did he fight so hard to live (and he did!), he said cause of his kids' whinning. Too funny, and so typical of all of us -- a truly fine example of our genetically encoded inability to do what we do for ourselves. **Sigh**



Been struggling with letting friend move in with me for nearly two months now. Quite simply, I shouldn't let him. He's back with the woman he loves and she thinks they are a couple. He says they're "talking" (a euphemism). For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would want to live with me. He knows all too well how I feel, how oftentimes I cannot control my hurt, and how strongly I feel about his relationship. **More sighs**