Sunday, July 22, 2012

Is it really July?

It's been a while since I've written here or even in my journal.  I just can't get out of this grief cycle this year.  I seem to be okay one day and sink beyond belief for days at a time and wonder at myself, but still cannot right myself.  Sigh.

Many things have been happening, some good, some not.  Life is still moving forward even if my heels are sore and beaten from dragging.  One tough thing, a very close, dear friend has moved on and is now involved with someone, no more to call me or visit occasionally.  Since Richard's death, life seems to constantly remind me that friendships end, people move on, and sometimes someone you really care about never talks to you again.  It's terribly unsettling, made moreso because I don't have Rich to talk to about how such a loss is effecting me.  Consequently, the loss feels compounded and I cry.

One interesting (and good?) thing that happened this week when I was talking with my pain management therapist.  Something triggered in me and although I struggled, I realized some important things.  I've never "done the work" to get through all the emotional pain  inside me.  Sometimes I was aware and deliberately refused to do so, but mostly, I just couldn't do it (or didn't know how, practically).  Haven't reached enlightenment.  Big sigh.

Guess I'm not up to writing still.  I miss writing.  Didn't go to my writing group meeting last week.  Plan on going this week.  Hope to start writing, but for now, I'm going to bed.  Maybe tomorrow.