Huck cleared the driveway, so I ran my errands. Discovered that one text msg cost me $20+! Tried to get it removed, but only got a machine. Modern world sure has its advantages for companies. Got the oil changed and the tires rotated -- they lost 5 lug nut covers and there was nothing I could do. Day just kept getting worse. By now, I feel like my chakras are totally out of whack. Kept adding to my pain by going on Myspace and cking out the kids. R looks like his Uncle Dave; heavy and bloated. The girls look like typical teenagers, kinda trampy, yet beautiful. K's site had two pics with B and her big phony smile. Bleah!
Computer is annoying again so will call somebody Monday. Talked to CB Friday (he called me) and afterwards the same ole same ole feelings slammed into me. He's right. We can't be friends because he doesn't want to be. As much as I want to believe we're okay, I have to accept that he doesn't want me in his life. So, my New Year's resolution should help. I've made a promise to myself that I will stop thinking about him and never talk about him with anyone, including to myself. If I can blot him out of my thoughts like he has me, I won't be at risk of ever bothering him again. Weird, I know, but one can't help one's weirdness, eh? God I miss Richard.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Choices and Losses
Unable to deal with loss. Friend and I said goodbye today. He's moving in with his love. As much as I want him to be happy and she makes him so, it's killing me knowing I'll never see him or talk to him again. I don't know how I'm going to live without him in my life. I've been unable to move forward after losing R; how can I open up again when doing so caused me so much pain? How do I sift through the thoughts and feelings and find the ones that will comfort me when I'm grieving, keep me sane when I feel as though I'll go mad with loss, and feel loved when I'm alone? If I knew why, maybe it would help.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sunday Musing
Exhausted. Oldest brother and closest relative (good friend) had a heart attack two weeks ago today, and it went downhill from there. Fortunately, he's v v strong and strong willed and he is stable and may live for ... (who knows?). Sadly, he said he doesn't want to. When I asked then why the hell did he fight so hard to live (and he did!), he said cause of his kids' whinning. Too funny, and so typical of all of us -- a truly fine example of our genetically encoded inability to do what we do for ourselves. **Sigh**
Been struggling with letting friend move in with me for nearly two months now. Quite simply, I shouldn't let him. He's back with the woman he loves and she thinks they are a couple. He says they're "talking" (a euphemism). For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would want to live with me. He knows all too well how I feel, how oftentimes I cannot control my hurt, and how strongly I feel about his relationship. **More sighs**
Been struggling with letting friend move in with me for nearly two months now. Quite simply, I shouldn't let him. He's back with the woman he loves and she thinks they are a couple. He says they're "talking" (a euphemism). For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would want to live with me. He knows all too well how I feel, how oftentimes I cannot control my hurt, and how strongly I feel about his relationship. **More sighs**
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Sunday evening
Great day in lots of ways. Saw Nicole; took her to see my sister who isn't doing well at all. Shaky and doesn't eat, so prob reason for shakes. After two insane tries, got the minutes (700) put on Nik's phone. Even she didn't have the tolerance to deal w/the people at TracPhone! Too funny! My bar, although seemingly higher, came when I cked my e-mail and read the insult from CB. He's earning his ah badge quite easily w/me now. Actually told me to reply to that addy not the google one, despite the fact that I'd already done so! Don't care anymore what he thinks. Just flat out told him to get a grip on his ego!
Lunch w/the ladies today was another misadventure, but handled it with aplomb, and Jane needed me. Sue's monopolization doesn't bother just me (I was too self focused or self absorbed or dumb, lol, to realize it before today and Synthroid, ha ha), it appears to bother Jane. Every time Jane tried to talk, sooner or later, Sue took over again. Hmmmm... Wonder why there isn't enough air space for all of us? Ah, sigh.
Lovely day, and although I sound absurd and stinky here, I really enjoyed all my interactions (well, maybe not the computer one). Feel terrible about Vergie; wish Nicole wld move up here (she said she's going to spend the summer -- Yeah!). Beautiful, sunny day. Thought about Richard all day long (only CB occasionally, thank God).
Talked to Susan. Came up with the idea that I need a "like" live rather than a love life. Suits me, since I'm finding it hard to like guys anymore, ha ha.
Supposed to rain tomorrow. Wonder? Need to mow the back yard. Need to exercise. Need to go. Bored myself here, ha ha.
Lunch w/the ladies today was another misadventure, but handled it with aplomb, and Jane needed me. Sue's monopolization doesn't bother just me (I was too self focused or self absorbed or dumb, lol, to realize it before today and Synthroid, ha ha), it appears to bother Jane. Every time Jane tried to talk, sooner or later, Sue took over again. Hmmmm... Wonder why there isn't enough air space for all of us? Ah, sigh.
Lovely day, and although I sound absurd and stinky here, I really enjoyed all my interactions (well, maybe not the computer one). Feel terrible about Vergie; wish Nicole wld move up here (she said she's going to spend the summer -- Yeah!). Beautiful, sunny day. Thought about Richard all day long (only CB occasionally, thank God).
Talked to Susan. Came up with the idea that I need a "like" live rather than a love life. Suits me, since I'm finding it hard to like guys anymore, ha ha.
Supposed to rain tomorrow. Wonder? Need to mow the back yard. Need to exercise. Need to go. Bored myself here, ha ha.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friendly Fire
Tough day. Friend fought with me, told me he didn't want to talk to me or deal with anymore, and made it clear he was done with me forever. Weird. Would seem childish if it weren't so intense. He's so lost and naive but stubborn and inflexible that he really will stop talking to me. He has already stopped talking to someone he had a relationship with and with whom he was also friends. He thinks in black and white and continually tries to make an analogy about nearly every emotion or event in a conversation which make it impossible to convince him once he's made a decision about you.
Went to see a play, "What the Butler Saw" at the New Times Theatre at the State Fairgrounds. Entertaining and fun. Some great, laugh out loud moments. Cast was quite good, and the storyline and dialogue were snappy yet thought-provoking at times. Laughs were at times predictable, other times, a pleasant surprise. The ending had an unexpected twist that was worth the price of admission because too much of today's movies, tv shows, and literature are predictable, especially the endings.
Couldn't do dinner afterwards because I was too upset the entire time I sat watching the play unfold (called friend from the ladies room at intermission). I needed to deal with him as soon as I could because I was so hurt. Later, didn't go out with girlfriend and her date either to shoot pool as planned because I was drained and exhausted both from the late night last night and the pain and sorrow from losing my friend.
Tomorrow is a new day and I promise I will face it optimistically. He's finally making me accept what he's said all along, he doesn't care about me. Thank God I have a couple of meetings and then book club and historical society meeting and the Symphony all at 7 pm! Told gf I wasn't going to the Symphony after all, now just need to decide on book club or historical society mtg (the former the front runner bec of travel distance and work not done).
I will survive and thrive.
Went to see a play, "What the Butler Saw" at the New Times Theatre at the State Fairgrounds. Entertaining and fun. Some great, laugh out loud moments. Cast was quite good, and the storyline and dialogue were snappy yet thought-provoking at times. Laughs were at times predictable, other times, a pleasant surprise. The ending had an unexpected twist that was worth the price of admission because too much of today's movies, tv shows, and literature are predictable, especially the endings.
Couldn't do dinner afterwards because I was too upset the entire time I sat watching the play unfold (called friend from the ladies room at intermission). I needed to deal with him as soon as I could because I was so hurt. Later, didn't go out with girlfriend and her date either to shoot pool as planned because I was drained and exhausted both from the late night last night and the pain and sorrow from losing my friend.
Tomorrow is a new day and I promise I will face it optimistically. He's finally making me accept what he's said all along, he doesn't care about me. Thank God I have a couple of meetings and then book club and historical society meeting and the Symphony all at 7 pm! Told gf I wasn't going to the Symphony after all, now just need to decide on book club or historical society mtg (the former the front runner bec of travel distance and work not done).
I will survive and thrive.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Friday's Follies
Weird day. Phone calls off and on all day re Vergie. JP called me -- had a great talk. He's concerned and feels bad and will help despite feeling that everyone thinks he's the bad guy. Ended on a very nice note -- he told me to call him! His kind heart won and I'm so happy I smile every time I remember our talk!
Never made some commitments, but had a visitor, computer friend. He finished computer repair work and it seems fine; friend doesn't. He's not the same with me and I felt at a loss. We didn't talk, but we were okay with each other. He mowed the lawn without my asking -- sweet and great job! Shared a pizza and quiet time. Tough saying goodbye -- I really care about him, but I got the feeling I'd never see him again. What surprised me was how deep my feelings are for him. Very strange given how little time we spend together and how little we talk anymore. Why do I care so much for him? ((Sigh))
Not up to writing. Too confused about sister's future and my life. Just feel quiet.
Never made some commitments, but had a visitor, computer friend. He finished computer repair work and it seems fine; friend doesn't. He's not the same with me and I felt at a loss. We didn't talk, but we were okay with each other. He mowed the lawn without my asking -- sweet and great job! Shared a pizza and quiet time. Tough saying goodbye -- I really care about him, but I got the feeling I'd never see him again. What surprised me was how deep my feelings are for him. Very strange given how little time we spend together and how little we talk anymore. Why do I care so much for him? ((Sigh))
Not up to writing. Too confused about sister's future and my life. Just feel quiet.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Tuesday Evening Before the Rain
Spent nearly the entire day in bed; felt awful. Took care of business, read, talked to friends and family, and ate. Ate. Not much. Not enough. Energy level still below par, and not sure why, but all signs point to not enough red blood cells and protein.
Computer friend was a no show and computer issues still annoying. So, best to call someone else and accept his wish to end the friendship. He said he didn't want to, but his actions say otherwise.
Talked to sister. She's slowly dying. Hate to "see" it. Hate to watch and let it happen, but that's exactly what we're supposed to do, right? Sad part is, it's a repeat pattern as we age. Starting with the first relative or friend we "watched" die and sat by powerlessly and let whatever happened happen. Is this a layer on our skin we helplessly let cover us as we grow up? Is it something we recognize? Or is it something that enters our subconscious then flits away on gossamer wings before we acknowledge it?
Talked to lovely niece. Worry about her (yeah, worry about everybody but myself, hmmmm....). She's married -- made a commitment and is doing her best to keep it. The guy was a "great" guy before they married, but..... See the same insanity in the relationship between my computer friend and his love. Is it a trend, particularly among those between 38-42 or so? Worse. Why do I care? Because it's easier? When did living become a chore? Why don't I get a life?
Now that's what I'm going to work toward in this blog. Ah, yes, there it is, my purpose in my first post! So, that's it for tonight. I'm off to shoot some pool, yeah, yeah, real pool players don't say that -- but what do they say? I'll take all answers. Oh, and get some chocolate. I'm craving.
Ciao
Computer friend was a no show and computer issues still annoying. So, best to call someone else and accept his wish to end the friendship. He said he didn't want to, but his actions say otherwise.
Talked to sister. She's slowly dying. Hate to "see" it. Hate to watch and let it happen, but that's exactly what we're supposed to do, right? Sad part is, it's a repeat pattern as we age. Starting with the first relative or friend we "watched" die and sat by powerlessly and let whatever happened happen. Is this a layer on our skin we helplessly let cover us as we grow up? Is it something we recognize? Or is it something that enters our subconscious then flits away on gossamer wings before we acknowledge it?
Talked to lovely niece. Worry about her (yeah, worry about everybody but myself, hmmmm....). She's married -- made a commitment and is doing her best to keep it. The guy was a "great" guy before they married, but..... See the same insanity in the relationship between my computer friend and his love. Is it a trend, particularly among those between 38-42 or so? Worse. Why do I care? Because it's easier? When did living become a chore? Why don't I get a life?
Now that's what I'm going to work toward in this blog. Ah, yes, there it is, my purpose in my first post! So, that's it for tonight. I'm off to shoot some pool, yeah, yeah, real pool players don't say that -- but what do they say? I'll take all answers. Oh, and get some chocolate. I'm craving.
Ciao
Stressful Thursday
Finally, unwind time. All out stress-filled day, and to decompress I bought lingerie and a pretty blue tee that says "Conserve Water - Stay Dirty". I can wear over a white long sleeve light weight cotton top Kathy P gave me last year.
So, why am I so stressed? Last night I couldn't write because I had gotten so upset about Vergie. She was absolutely looney tunes! Oh God, I'm using a phrase I absolutely hate to hear from others (my bad)!!! She got upset when I tried to tell her she was confused when she said she was in JC visiting. We spent some time trying to make each other believe we were okay, and then hung up. Next, I called Joy, then the night nurse. All this resulted in me learning my sister has an infection they know about fo 4 days but aren't treating because they're waiting for the results so they can use the "right" antibiotic and one side effect is mental confusion. Just breaks my heart and infuriates me at the same time making me realize how powerless I am up here.
The saga continued today, so I finally just drove down. This after several calls from Ed insisting on a ride from the airport (I'd e-mailed him that I couldn't do it, but apparently he didn't get it). His last call indicated his displeasure, but it's on him.
Okay, there's more I could write, but do I really want to continue this rant? Nah! Need to focus. Need sleep. Need love. It's really important to have someone close to you that you can count on.
So, why am I so stressed? Last night I couldn't write because I had gotten so upset about Vergie. She was absolutely looney tunes! Oh God, I'm using a phrase I absolutely hate to hear from others (my bad)!!! She got upset when I tried to tell her she was confused when she said she was in JC visiting. We spent some time trying to make each other believe we were okay, and then hung up. Next, I called Joy, then the night nurse. All this resulted in me learning my sister has an infection they know about fo 4 days but aren't treating because they're waiting for the results so they can use the "right" antibiotic and one side effect is mental confusion. Just breaks my heart and infuriates me at the same time making me realize how powerless I am up here.
The saga continued today, so I finally just drove down. This after several calls from Ed insisting on a ride from the airport (I'd e-mailed him that I couldn't do it, but apparently he didn't get it). His last call indicated his displeasure, but it's on him.
Okay, there's more I could write, but do I really want to continue this rant? Nah! Need to focus. Need sleep. Need love. It's really important to have someone close to you that you can count on.
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