EmmmyLizzzy: The start of fall craft season

EmmmyLizzzy: The start of fall craft season: Why is it that people don't really decorate the house for summer?  I guess we're all too busy doing fun things outdoors to really wa...

Sunday Spring News

Another glorious, sunny day (three in a row, I think). Can't believe it's been nearly two years since I've written here. Thought I'd posted not too long ago -- maybe forgot to post it?

Since my last post, my life has taken another 180o turn. I've grown out of most of my grief, although physical pain is now my constant companion. Some would say, including my dr, that my grief has found a new path. The good thing about physical pain (can't believe I wrote that!) is that with a little effort and some medicine, it is more tolerable. At least, I couldn't find anything that worked to alleviate my grief -- except, perhaps time.

I've adopted a US Soldier who's in Iraq right now. Wonderful way to get out of thinking about myself and trying to do for someone else.

My only living sister (I had two others who died) is now battling cancer. She was always kinda cranky, although very, very good hearted. She'd be nice to you, do something nice for you, and nearly spoil the act by saying something mean. Now, she's NICE ALL THE TIME! Both wonderful and a little disconcerting. Like waiting for the other shoe to drop and feeling guilty about thinking that. Ain't relationships grand?

Well, gotta run. Want to get sewing -- oh, yeah, I'm sewing more these days, and for others. It's a wonderful feeling to finish something and know the person you'll be giving it to really likes it!

Strange Mail

Today I received in the mail (snail) two largish (a little bigger than 5x7")cards inside an envelope. No note; no return address; and the postage stamp illegible. The envelope was addressed to me at a rather funny version of my street name, a cutesy trick this one guy I sort of dated (I'll explain on another post) used to do often when he wrote me or sent me things, both things he did often. So, I kind of think I "know" who sent them to me, but of course, I don't.

Now, here's the rub. Why would anyone (a guy?????) mail me two cards -- one with the picture of a couple cute dogs and one of a couple horses. I have a dog (had two, but my beloved female dog died a while back), and I love horses, even have a brother who raises and races thoroughbreds.

And, last week I received a v nice Cmas card from a "Chris". Now I personally know at least 3 Chrises, and am slightly acquainted with 2 others. The person, like the one today, did not give a last name or put a return address on the envelope. And --- he (again, I presume it's a guy, but can't explain to you, dear reader, why) wrote an abbreviated version of my name, not my full first name. That speaks of a casual friend or acquaintenance because my friends know I prefer the full form of my first name.

Well, that's it for now. I'm still mulling over these to items, and wonder if I'll ever know from whence they came.

'ta

Widowhood after nearly 7 yrs and other thoughts

Musing over some ideas today for possible columns or projects to start in the new year. The one I've been most thinking about is writing a column of places Susan and I will eat at every week during 2010. We would attempt to eat at both different ethnic places and types of meals, such as breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My personal goal would be to do more than one a week and to cover Onondaga County. We could vary our selection according to weather and suggestions from others, but mainly, I would like to try places I've never been.

The other thought would be to write about being a widow from both of our viewpoints with the emphasis on a particular topic or issue per column. An example would be dating since we both have interesting experiences to record and differing desires. As an addition, I could write in others experiences or advice, etc., such as those I've heard from others who've shared. For example, my recent party conversation with Judy!

Thinking along both these lines led me to here and the need to get it out of my head before I lose interest or worse, get too lazy to bother (an all-too often occurrence since R's death).
So, first musing. "Dating Advice My Husband Would have Given Me"
When my husband knew (or I think knew) he was dying, he tried again (he'd tried several times early on in his deadly diagnosis) to talk to me about how I should seek to spend my life, the extremely personal side of it (dating/sex), without him. I would not let him, and now, nearly 7 years later, I can candidly say, I regret not hearing his wise words on this prickly subject. You see, I'm a few bricks short of a full load when it comes to knowing men. I spent nearly my entire adult life with a man who loved me, treated me so special I was convinced I was, and communicated so well with me, I believed men care what a woman thinks, and most importantly, he loved sex and enjoyed making love or just having sex, but never made me feel it was just sex. All these qualities and their attendant effects, left me feeling I knew how to act with a man. Or at least I thought I could get out there and blend in the world of singles.

Now, the advice I think he would have given me would probably have been accompanied by anecdotes and examples of how I behaved and what not to do, but since I didn't get it, I'll share what I think he would have given against what I really did or experienced.
Okay, so I've begun. I've also just run out of steam. I've been v v ill since Friday when I had what I can only think was some kind of flu -- high fever, extreme stomach pain, cramps, vomiting, etc. Saturday morning the fever broke, but I spent that day in bed also, too exhausted and still crampy and nauseated to do anything else. Sunday, thinking I was better, but noticing I now felt heavy in the chest (and not from a boob job) with a runny nose and stuffed head, I left the house I'd been tethered to for three days. My chest hurt and I had difficulty breathing, so after a couple hours and $100 less, I came back home and went back to bed -- well, on the couch, where I am today, feeling no better. I now think I have a v v bad cold or the beginning of something worse in the pulmonary variety. **Sigh**
So, it's back to resting and thinking about all those things I want to write about in the coming year.
'Ciao

Saturday silliness and sanity

Huck cleared the driveway, so I ran my errands. Discovered that one text msg cost me $20+! Tried to get it removed, but only got a machine. Modern world sure has its advantages for companies. Got the oil changed and the tires rotated -- they lost 5 lug nut covers and there was nothing I could do. Day just kept getting worse. By now, I feel like my chakras are totally out of whack. Kept adding to my pain by going on Myspace and cking out the kids. R looks like his Uncle Dave; heavy and bloated. The girls look like typical teenagers, kinda trampy, yet beautiful. K's site had two pics with B and her big phony smile. Bleah!

Computer is annoying again so will call somebody Monday. Talked to CB Friday (he called me) and afterwards the same ole same ole feelings slammed into me. He's right. We can't be friends because he doesn't want to be. As much as I want to believe we're okay, I have to accept that he doesn't want me in his life. So, my New Year's resolution should help. I've made a promise to myself that I will stop thinking about him and never talk about him with anyone, including to myself. If I can blot him out of my thoughts like he has me, I won't be at risk of ever bothering him again. Weird, I know, but one can't help one's weirdness, eh? God I miss Richard.

Choices and Losses

Unable to deal with loss. Friend and I said goodbye today. He's moving in with his love. As much as I want him to be happy and she makes him so, it's killing me knowing I'll never see him or talk to him again. I don't know how I'm going to live without him in my life. I've been unable to move forward after losing R; how can I open up again when doing so caused me so much pain? How do I sift through the thoughts and feelings and find the ones that will comfort me when I'm grieving, keep me sane when I feel as though I'll go mad with loss, and feel loved when I'm alone? If I knew why, maybe it would help.

Sunday Musing

Exhausted. Oldest brother and closest relative (good friend) had a heart attack two weeks ago today, and it went downhill from there. Fortunately, he's v v strong and strong willed and he is stable and may live for ... (who knows?). Sadly, he said he doesn't want to. When I asked then why the hell did he fight so hard to live (and he did!), he said cause of his kids' whinning. Too funny, and so typical of all of us -- a truly fine example of our genetically encoded inability to do what we do for ourselves. **Sigh**



Been struggling with letting friend move in with me for nearly two months now. Quite simply, I shouldn't let him. He's back with the woman he loves and she thinks they are a couple. He says they're "talking" (a euphemism). For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would want to live with me. He knows all too well how I feel, how oftentimes I cannot control my hurt, and how strongly I feel about his relationship. **More sighs**